I'm nominated for Mother of the Year!

Let me first say this.  I was blessed with two good eaters.  My kids have varied palates and will try just about anything. 

Next, let me say that the Little One is not quite 2.  She toddles and though she's been walking for quite a while... she's terribly clumsy, as all babies are.  She and a window sill had a falling out.  Yikes!  It left quite the bruise.

As it looks today: 

Fast forward to last week, I'm snacking.  The Little One's not terribly interested in her Goldfish and rather interested in my almonds.  I can't imagine she's going to like them.  I mean look at what I'm eating!

Nope, I'm wrong.  She loves them.  She eats a few and I try to put them away.  Cue the dying wildebeest noises.  She eats a few more and I try to put them away.  Cue the straight out screaming.  So fine, eat them.  See if I care.  

It's only the next day when her digestive track is revisiting the almonds that I immediately regret the decision to let her eat as many Wasabi and Soy Sauce Almonds as her heart desired.  Her poor, poor little butt.

It's red and rashy.  We've definitely moved past the Aquaphor and straight to the Aqua-Lox**.  She's cracked and bleeding and the poor, poor thing.  Sadly, she's taken to screaming wildly whenever she gets a diaper change these days and I can't blame her.  It's got to hurt.  I stopped using the traditional wipes and went straight to the cold, wet cloths.  The problem is that we're not always home for nice cold, wet cloths... sometimes we go to Target and I have wipes.

Off to Target.  It's Target so it could be for anything but I notice that the Little One is due for a change as soon as we get to the store.  Off we go to the family restroom.  Family restrooms seem to be where interesting things happen for the Little One and I.  Maybe I should just stay out of them?  

I'm changing her fiery little butt and she's hollering.  I mean wailing and screaming.  She's breaking my heart in a million pieces and I'm trying to go as fast as I can.  I clean her up, slather her with more Aqua-Lox, which I'm just carrying with me now and get a fresh diaper on her.  She's still screaming but between breaths, I hear a knock.

"Ma'am...Ma'am... is everything alright in there?!?!"

More screaming.  Louder knocking and I hug the Little One and tell her it's alright and start working on calming her down.  

What I wouldn't give for a freakin' binky right now!  Maybe a glass of wine.

"It's alright."

"Are you sure?!?"

I get her calmed down and back in the cart.  I open the door to go shopping and out comes red-faced, whimpering the Little One with a nasty bruise on her cheek and her mother.

You know me... I'm the one getting the side eye from a few people at Target.

**Aqua-Lox.  The magical cure all for diaper rash.  Aquaphor mixed with Maalox.  Any mom will tell you that it's the bee's knees.

The Transfer

I went to lunch today with my ladies.  We were rolling into naptime for the littles when we all left and I thought "I'm rocking the timing"!  It's because I kick ass.

Driving home, I see the Little One starting to fall asleep and we're 10 minutes out.

"LITTLE ONE, WAKE UP BABY!"

"Sarah, please help me wake Kate up."

"LITTTTLLLEEEEE ONNNNEEEEE, WAKE UP!!!!!"  "LITTTTLLLEEEEE ONNNNEEEEE, WAKE UP!!!!!"  "LITTTTLLLEEEEE ONNNNEEEEE, WAKE UP!!!!!"

Then the music gets louder.

If she falls asleep now, I'll never get her transferred to her crib for a long nap.  

"LITTLE ONE, GET UP!"

Then the concrete truck pulls out in front of me.  Then more red lights.  Then a tow truck with car in tow and now it's starting to rain so naturally, everyone starts driving really slowly.

At this point, I'm using the mom arm to reach around the back of my seat and pull on poor Little One's foot.  There's crying.  There's screaming and I think, "Please don't fall asleep!"  It's abundantly clear that I no longer kick ass.

We get home.  

I get her to her crib and say "Are you tired?"

She shakes her sad little face, "yes".  The sad little face I made cry.

I lay her into her crib and kiss her so gently on the head.

I tip toe out and shut the door.

Someone's wide awake. 

I just went for a lamp and a picture.

I went to IKEA with the baby on Thursday.  I went for a new little lamp and a picture so not a huge trip.  No one was buying a couch.  In and out in 30 minutes... no problem!

It's a long drive to our IKEA and I thought it opened at 9.  Well, according to the website it opens at 9.  Really, it's 10.  Luckily, the Little One falls asleep in the car and I've got a Kindle so we're golden.  Way to be prepared.  I kick ass!

The store opens, the Little One's awake and I get her out and the poor thing is in dire need of a diaper change.  We go in and immediately head for the restrooms.  I come upon the family restroom first and since those are my personal favorites, being private and all, don't mind if I do!

Get her pants off, undo the onesie and reach in my bag for the stuff.  Got the wipes.  Check.  Diapers....ummmm...  I do not have a single diaper.

Ugh but I notice a diaper kit machine right next to me on the wall.  Like those tampon dispensers you see all the time.  They're $1.00.  4 quarters please.  Grab my wallet.  I have 3 quarters and it only takes quarters.  Ugh.

I put the Little One's clothes back on.  Poor thing and I walk up to the cafe for change.  The girl can't open the register without a purchase or a manager or some unholy reason so she offers me a quarter from her pocket.  I offer her a dollar for it and she balks.  Seriously, how nice is that?!?

Back in the family room and I put in the quarters.

First one... plink

Second one... plink

Third one... plink

Fourth one... KERPLUNK.

You've GOT to be kidding me so I'm banging on the machine and pulling the knob and generally starting to think that this is far from the original plan.  The machine has now eaten my money and I have no diaper to show for it.  Alas, I see the machine has two locks and the bottom lock is undone on the cover.  I can see into the machine and I can see that there's diapers in there.  I stick my hand in there and can't even begin to come close to reaching it.  No, I didn't get my hand stuck in there but I was close. 

There's a sign on the wall that says if I have trouble with the diaper kit machine to go to the play area.  Back on go the pants.  The Little One's utterly confused and I'm not thrilled.

So I go to the play area like the sign says and wait in the world's longest line.  OK... maybe not but there's 2 families ahead of me and there's forms to fill out and rulers to measure kids and rules to review and kisses and hugs so Mommy can go look at a headboard and buy a candle.

I get up to the front and the girl in the nicest way possible tells me that the Little One is too little to come in the play area.

"I understand but I'm out of diapers and long story short, it says to come and ask you."

"Oh, let me look."

Searching...searching... searching.

"Looks like we're out of diapers."

 "Can you call maintenance?"

I wait and apparently, there's not a diaper to be found in IKEA.  I said "Do you have a key for the machine?  I see that there's diapers in the machine."

Oh.  My.  God.

In all this while, I'm scanning the front doors for a mom with non-potty trained kid to walk by and I'm asking.

"Pardon me..."  "Excuse me..."

There's a lot of people walking through the door but it takes me 20 minutes to find my angel and she gives me a Pull-up.  She apologizes for it having Lighting McQueen and Mater on it.  I love her.  Real love.  The love of ages.

I go back to the family restroom and change poor Little One who's butt is a new shade of "I'm going to need some Aqualox."  All is right with the world again.

Since we're here.  Why don't I pee?

So there I am.  Door's locked.  Pants around my ankles.  Feeding my Candy Crush addiction.  The Little One's dry and clean and happily wandering around our private little abyss.

No stalls.  Just us.  You know the drill.

She goes over to the door and grabs the lever to open the door. 

"Little One, no!"

The door gets unlocked but not opened.  I'm still on the toilet.

All of the sudden, this older lady comes in with what is obviously her grandkid and is "ooh...I'm so sorry!"

In this situation, one might assume she would back out immediately and apologize profusely.  I would have. Instead of backing out and shutting the door... she STANDS THERE!!!  Door open to the front of the world's largest IKEA and starts explaining that she didn't know there wasn't stalls in the family restroom.

I say "that's alright but can I finish up alone?"

She's obviously completely flustered and says "Oh, sure..." and she CONTINUES to stand there with the door open herding her little one into the room with the Little One and I. 

All fucking four of us are in there and I'm on the toilet.  I say "Um, can you get out or I have to call security and tell them there's a pervert in the bathroom?"

She say "Oh, um...I don't want to reopen the door."

"That's fine.  My dignity went out the door already."

I finished up, washed up and told her to have a nice day.  

..and then I bought a lamp and a picture.