I just went for a lamp and a picture.

I went to IKEA with the baby on Thursday.  I went for a new little lamp and a picture so not a huge trip.  No one was buying a couch.  In and out in 30 minutes... no problem!

It's a long drive to our IKEA and I thought it opened at 9.  Well, according to the website it opens at 9.  Really, it's 10.  Luckily, the Little One falls asleep in the car and I've got a Kindle so we're golden.  Way to be prepared.  I kick ass!

The store opens, the Little One's awake and I get her out and the poor thing is in dire need of a diaper change.  We go in and immediately head for the restrooms.  I come upon the family restroom first and since those are my personal favorites, being private and all, don't mind if I do!

Get her pants off, undo the onesie and reach in my bag for the stuff.  Got the wipes.  Check.  Diapers....ummmm...  I do not have a single diaper.

Ugh but I notice a diaper kit machine right next to me on the wall.  Like those tampon dispensers you see all the time.  They're $1.00.  4 quarters please.  Grab my wallet.  I have 3 quarters and it only takes quarters.  Ugh.

I put the Little One's clothes back on.  Poor thing and I walk up to the cafe for change.  The girl can't open the register without a purchase or a manager or some unholy reason so she offers me a quarter from her pocket.  I offer her a dollar for it and she balks.  Seriously, how nice is that?!?

Back in the family room and I put in the quarters.

First one... plink

Second one... plink

Third one... plink

Fourth one... KERPLUNK.

You've GOT to be kidding me so I'm banging on the machine and pulling the knob and generally starting to think that this is far from the original plan.  The machine has now eaten my money and I have no diaper to show for it.  Alas, I see the machine has two locks and the bottom lock is undone on the cover.  I can see into the machine and I can see that there's diapers in there.  I stick my hand in there and can't even begin to come close to reaching it.  No, I didn't get my hand stuck in there but I was close. 

There's a sign on the wall that says if I have trouble with the diaper kit machine to go to the play area.  Back on go the pants.  The Little One's utterly confused and I'm not thrilled.

So I go to the play area like the sign says and wait in the world's longest line.  OK... maybe not but there's 2 families ahead of me and there's forms to fill out and rulers to measure kids and rules to review and kisses and hugs so Mommy can go look at a headboard and buy a candle.

I get up to the front and the girl in the nicest way possible tells me that the Little One is too little to come in the play area.

"I understand but I'm out of diapers and long story short, it says to come and ask you."

"Oh, let me look."

Searching...searching... searching.

"Looks like we're out of diapers."

 "Can you call maintenance?"

I wait and apparently, there's not a diaper to be found in IKEA.  I said "Do you have a key for the machine?  I see that there's diapers in the machine."

Oh.  My.  God.

In all this while, I'm scanning the front doors for a mom with non-potty trained kid to walk by and I'm asking.

"Pardon me..."  "Excuse me..."

There's a lot of people walking through the door but it takes me 20 minutes to find my angel and she gives me a Pull-up.  She apologizes for it having Lighting McQueen and Mater on it.  I love her.  Real love.  The love of ages.

I go back to the family restroom and change poor Little One who's butt is a new shade of "I'm going to need some Aqualox."  All is right with the world again.

Since we're here.  Why don't I pee?

So there I am.  Door's locked.  Pants around my ankles.  Feeding my Candy Crush addiction.  The Little One's dry and clean and happily wandering around our private little abyss.

No stalls.  Just us.  You know the drill.

She goes over to the door and grabs the lever to open the door. 

"Little One, no!"

The door gets unlocked but not opened.  I'm still on the toilet.

All of the sudden, this older lady comes in with what is obviously her grandkid and is "ooh...I'm so sorry!"

In this situation, one might assume she would back out immediately and apologize profusely.  I would have. Instead of backing out and shutting the door... she STANDS THERE!!!  Door open to the front of the world's largest IKEA and starts explaining that she didn't know there wasn't stalls in the family restroom.

I say "that's alright but can I finish up alone?"

She's obviously completely flustered and says "Oh, sure..." and she CONTINUES to stand there with the door open herding her little one into the room with the Little One and I. 

All fucking four of us are in there and I'm on the toilet.  I say "Um, can you get out or I have to call security and tell them there's a pervert in the bathroom?"

She say "Oh, um...I don't want to reopen the door."

"That's fine.  My dignity went out the door already."

I finished up, washed up and told her to have a nice day.  

..and then I bought a lamp and a picture.